From my own personal experience and from listening to other mamas, it seems that many of us struggle or have struggled with with feeling like a failure. Between managing a home, raising children, and somewhere in the midst of it trying to take care of ourselves, we can feel like we’re just not doing enough. We’re not getting stuff done. We’re not doing ALL. THE. THINGS.
Have you ever felt like this?
I’ve thought about and meditated on this particular topic quite a bit, and mainly from a position of desperation. A few years ago, when I was a stay at home mama of just two girls, I kept feeling like I was constantly falling short in a lot of areas. House work wasn’t getting done like it needed to be. Meals weren’t always ready when mealtimes came around, and keeping up with laundry seemed like a fruitless pursuit. And to top it all off, I didn’t have any other work outside the home, so it’s not like I didn’t have the time.
I just couldn’t seem to get a hold on things.
But I’m the kind of person who wants answers. I want solutions. When things get funky around here, whether it be physically or relationally or whatever, I probe God in prayer and seek for solutions. Because who wants to keep feeling like a failure? You just can’t thrive like that, ya know?
I’ve discovered some things over time, prayer, and reading Scripture that have helped me to not feel like a failure anymore. In fact, I haven’t felt like that in a couple years now (and not because I haven’t failed at anything!). Embracing certain mindsets and letting go of others has set me free from condemning, failure-related mentalities. And I want to share these things with you!
So here are the top 5 things to do to avoid feeling like a mom failure. May they bring you the same freedom I’ve experienced!
Give grace
Unless you entered motherhood completely equipped by your own mother on how to raise kids and manage a home, chances are you often feel like you don’t know what you’re doing. And that’s ok! Although often easier said than done, it’s crucial to develop a gracious mentality when it comes to accomplishing things as a mom. We enter a huge learning curve the moment we make the commitment to stay home and raise our little ones, and no learning process comes without trying and failing.
A college degree can’t prepare you to be a mother, nor can a corporate job. Only experience in the role of a mom can do that. And if you’re new to this role, then you’re obviously an unexperienced novice. You’ll need lots of grace, your husband will need grace, and so will your kids. Perfectionism will have to go out the window, or else relationships in your home will suffer!
So give yourself grace. Even if you mess up, forgive yourself quickly and commit yourself to do right all over again. You’ll get it sooner or later-just don’t quit!
Keep learning
While we don’t have to have it all together to be moms, we definitely want to be continual learners. We want to keep getting better at what we do. When we’re equipped with knowledge, understanding, and strategies, it will eliminate us constantly feeling like we don’t know what we’re doing.
Here are a few resources I recommend to help you grow:
Grace-Based Parenting: probably the best parenting book I’ve ever read. Reader rewards: you gain understanding about how to deal properly with children and have a framework for training your kids with love.
A Mom After God’s Own Heart: Elizabeth George truly defines for women what it looks like to live out godly motherhood in the 21st century. Reader rewards: a deeper understanding of our roles as moms.
7 Principles for Influential Motherhood: an ebook I wrote personally for moms just like me and you, who need clarity and lasting solutions for motherhood. Reader rewards: you gain direction for your daily mom life, vision for your role as a mom, and the joy that comes from a renewed mind.
Ultimate Bundle Parenting Super Pack: a packed resource with tips on everything from helping your kids develop routines to raising positive kids to teaching your kids how to cook. Reader rewards: gain insight on just about every category under the sun from moms who have been there!
Redefine
Unless you want to always feel like you’re never measuring up to high standards, you’ll need to redefine your standards. Back in our pre-kid days, we could get everything done on our to-do lists every day because we didn’t have the level of interruptions we do now. We could also take things slowly if we wanted to, and pretty much work at our own pace.
Not anymore, though! Motherhood demands that we be on call at all hours of the day, be prepared to clean up the most inconvenient of messes, and patiently intervene in sibling conflicts. It took me years to understand (and even longer to accept) that this was just a part of my role as a mom.
Because of the relational demand of our position as moms, we have to scale back a bit and redefine some things. The term “a clean house” meant something different before we had kids than it does now. It used to mean that floors and walls were spotless and everything was in its place (at least to me :)). That term now may mean that the home is decently, but not perfectly, tidy, and that there are some chores still pending.
When you redefine your terms and lower your standards just a bit, it helps keep goals accomplishable and keeps you from feeling like you’re never measuring up. So do yourself the favor and keep things simple!
Implement systems
If we don’t have systems, things can get chaotic in our homes pretty quickly. And when things are chaotic all the time, it makes us feel like we just have a big mess (physical or relational) to deal with all the time. And no mama likes that!
A few simple systems can fix that, however. For example, you can develop a morning routine to help start your day in a productive way. Equally important (if not more so) would be a nighttime routine and a set bedtime. You can also have a few systems for:
- Meal planning
- Meal preparation and cleanup (define who does what and when)
- After school routines
- Chores/business matters (paying bills, making phone calls, etc)
Remember what’s truly important
When all is said and done, there are two things that are the most important things in life. In Matthew 22:37, Jesus said that the greatest commandments of all are to love God and love others.
I’ve had to remember these things when I look around my house and I see craziness. When Satan, our adversary, tries to plant thoughts in my mind that make me want to start condemning and accusing myself or others for the condition my home is in, I remember that it’s love that matters most. Now granted, I might need to lock myself in the bathroom for a few minutes to refocus my mind on this truth, but it’s worth it! It helps me not be run by emotions.
No matter what the current state of your mom life is in, you can start out by embracing the fact that love (the way you handle your kids and hubby) is foundation upon which everything else is built. As you learn, implement systems, and give yourself grace in the process, you’ll soon look back and realize how far you’ve come, and you’ll rejoice in your growth!
Related Posts:
Our Kids Absorb Us (and What We Should Do About This)
Growing in Love Toward Your Children
Understand Your Child’s Nature (and Preserve Your Sanity)
Winning the Battle of the Mind (for Moms)