When you’re new to the motherhood scene, there can be few things as challenging as understanding how to relate to these beautiful babies you brought into the world. And as you grow as a mama, you may often find yourself in the middle of the battle between what you think/know you should be doing and your own shortcomings.
No mama is perfect, and honestly, perfection isn’t the goal of motherhood! In his book Have a New Kid By Friday, Dr. Kevin Leman says that all we need to do is provide our kids with “a semi-straight line,” and I totally agree. I also believe that it’s wise for us mamas to continue to learn and further our own motherhood education, taking wisdom from those who have gone before us so that we can minimize mistakes and potentially avoid great errors and heartache.
That’s why I want to share with you what I feel are the top three things our kids need from us. I’ve been privileged to spend the last eight years as a mom, and these three things that I share with you are both the product of my day to day experiences and the result of continually educating myself as a homeschooling mama. My kids need me to be a safe place for them, to give room for the development of their personal giftings, and to provide structure that will both give security and aid in the development of their personal character.
No matter where you are in your journey as a mom, I encourage you to press into these areas. You are seated in a great position of influence in your children’s lives, and you want to make these years count! Starting today, you can make great changes in these areas and see some great things happen in your home.
Be a safe place for them
Your kids will hurt themselves, sometimes on accident and sometimes because of disobedience. They will be confused about situations and things that are too big for their minds to understand. When they’re out of their preschool years, they’ll ask you a thousand direct questions about the world around them, especially at times where you need to focus your attention on something else. And if you have more than one sibling, you know they will squabble with one another over property rights and other things.
In these times, your kids need a safe place. When I say “safe place”, I mean an emotionally safe place they can run to for help/teaching/guidance. In other words, they don’t need us to get exasperated at their constantness, irritated with them, or reject them because of their immaturity and inability to handle things on their own.
In other words, they need to know that even as they’re growing and processing life, they have a mama who receives them, accepts them, comforts them, hugs them, and leads them down the right path.
Every time I encounter an adult who is still dealing with the repercussions of a loveless and lonely childhood, especially one that has been absent from a mother’s love, it reminds me how important it is for me to be a safe place for my kids. Kids don’t have the ability to see beyond themselves. A friend of mine likes to say that kids “can’t see past the end of their nose.” They are crazy self-centered, and if we’re not careful, we can let that get the best of us!
You don’t want your kids to be scared of you or feel rejected by you. You don’t want shame, guilt, and quickness to anger to be the story of your kid’s childhood. You want them to be able to come to you with their fears, their struggles, and their questions. You want them to get comfortable running to you and not from you, so that they can see what it’s like to run to their Heavenly Father and not away from Him.
How you can grow in this area:
If you’re a mama who feels that you’re stuck in a trap of rejecting your children or getting exasperated at the never-ending demands of motherhood, I would encourage you today to open your heart toward God and receive the love He has for you. Love is how He relates to us, and as we come to know His love more, we’re able to more clearly walk in love toward our kids. (I wrote more about this topic here.)
I encourage you as well to continue to press into truth. I’ve had to learn over the years to be careful what I agree with as it relates to childraising. Anything that encourages you to complain, be pessimistic, view your kids as a burden, etc. is not a source of life for you. Meditate and focus your mind on what your loving Father says in Scripture. Always seek to accept your kids and not reject them, to receive and understand them and not send them away. You can also check out my favorite resources for motherhood for some great resources!
Give your kids a pathway to develop their giftings
Your kids are already wired by God with certain giftings and tendencies. They have within them raw seed that needs to be fed, watered, and developed into whatever they’ve been designed by God to do.
I have one child, for instance, who loves getting her hands dirty. She loves mixing things together and playing with things in as messy a manner as possible. Just today she filled a whole small trash can with water and then put oranges in there. And then she decided that it needed some tissue. And that’s about where I decided that I’d give her something else to do…:)
In the past, I would have been frustrated at this child’s tendency to always make huge messes. Now, I’ve learned that this is actually just the way she’s wired, and that I need to provide an outlet for that, to the best of my ability. Because you know what happens when I do that? She thrives. She keeps busy. She creates things, and her little mind is active and growing. And she is fulfilled.
It’s important that we honor our children’s uniqueness and not try to make them what we’d like for them to be. They are an important piece in history in this hour, and we need to do our best to allow their development to take a unique path. For more on this, check out how this family has been able to tap into this concept, enabling many of their children to complete college degrees in their teens!
How can you know what your child enjoys doing? If they’re old enough, just ask them! Spend time with them and play with them, and take notes. What are their tendencies? What are they drawn to? What do they even get in trouble for doing? These can be clues for you to help provide them with the tools they need to develop and thrive!
How you can grow in this area:
Chances are you probably have an idea of how your kids are individually wired. If not, pray and ask God to help you connect with them on a deeper level. Ask Him to help you to be aware what they enjoy doing so you can provide what they need. Spend quality time with them, playing and having fun, and you’ll begin to know your kids better.
Provide structure
Last on this would be structure. In saying this, I’m referring to a few solid routines and systems and even some rules that provide security, stability, and the opportunity for building good character habits. Set bedtimes, night routines, morning routines, after school routines, daily chores, play time, rules, etc. help provide your kids with the stability and security they need, but help ward off laziness and an over-development of self-centeredness as well. Structure is so important, in fact, that according to child psychologist Lisa Damour, if parents can only provide affection or structure, it should be structure. As much as kids need affection, it’s just proves how important it is for us to provide stability through structure!
This is something I’ve honestly had to learn the hard way. Before I had kids, I was really disciplined and good at managing my own time and responsibilities. After kids, however, I felt like I was just surviving the days until my hubby would come home in the evenings. I struggled providing structure for my kids simply because I didn’t really know how to, and I realized that while I was good at managing myself, I really wasn’t that great at managing other people. As a result, I felt like my kids were difficult to deal with, home life was kinda all over the place, and I was a pretty unhappy mommy.
How you can grow in this area:
If you’re a mama who really struggles in this area, don’t worry! Remember, this post is about three things your kids need from you that you can start doing today.
If you don’t know where to begin with creating systems or routines, check out my Simple Home Systems Creator Pack . It will be a huge step in the right direction to get some easy systems and routines going in your home. You can also check out my posts on making morning routines and nighttime routines, as well as using routines to make your days run more smoothly.
Finally, be encouraged Mom! Remember that you’re not trying to be perfect, and that’s not what your kids need. They need you to be a safe place, give them an outlet for their unique development, and some structure. Keep growing and learning in these areas, and you’ll be growing in the right direction. 🙂
Related Posts:
Growing in Love Toward Your Children
Understand Your Children’s Nature (and Preserve Your Sanity)
Our Kids Absorb Us (and What We Can Do About It)
How to Help Siblings Stop Fighting
So amazing Kelani- thank you. 😊 especially resonated with the part that you encourage us not to join in/ agree with pessimism, seeing kids as a burden, etc. I feel like getting caught up in the culture of that as a joke has rubbed off on me negatively. Just resetting my mind back to the Word and God’s view of my important role with my kids at home. I’m not missing out, I’m not wasting time, I’m living with purpose and they are my ministry. Thanks again ❤️
Agreed Alyce! Thank you for sharing and for the encouragement! Many blessings!