Provers 22:6 says to “train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” And I believe that most parents purpose in their heart to do a good job at this.
But there’s one problem: many parents don’t know what it looks like to train their child.
And it’s kind of hard to do something when you don’t know how to do it! What I think most parents end up doing instead is controlling their children. I have been here before and let me tell you, it isn’t fun. It makes for a miserable mommy and miserable kids.
So how can you tell if you are training or just controlling? Here are four distinct differences that make the dividing line clear.
Training empowers. Controlling does not.
Training your child involves intentionally equipping him or her with character or skills. It involves being proactive and thinking ahead of your child. You are purposeful in what and how you are teaching your child to do something. The end result is that the child will be empowered and well-equipped.
Controlling, on the other hand, does nothing about actually equipping the child and is highly reactive. In fact, it does quite the opposite. A parent who is using controlling methods may intend for the child to be equipped and trained well. However, the way she implements this is by forcing and threatening instead of leading and guiding.
I recently wrote an article on disciplining children properly that you can read here. In it, I discussed the purpose of discipline and the importance of understanding why we do it. Without properly understanding the why’s and how’s behind these essential practices, we can potentially cause unintentional damage to our kids minds, hearts, and emotions. And I don’t think any of us want that!
So if you find that you struggle with controlling (which a lot of parents do!), here is how you can shift to a training mentality: think about what your kid needs to be trained in (character, skills, habits). Teach him or her how to do something, from beginning to end. Like I mean every detail of it. Show your child exactly how to brush his teeth properly (circular motions, brushing all parts of the tooth, etc.) and explain to him why he should do this. Then encourage him to do it well. If he does it wrong, correct him gently and show him again how to do it well. Then praise him for his efforts.
Training is others-focused. Controlling is self-focused.
Training a child happens because you desire the child’s well-being above your own. Thus, training is intentional and attentive. Your eyes are not on your own desires but on the needs of your children to be trained up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Controlling, on the other hand, is completely self-focused. Without knowing it, a controlling parent views her child as an extension of herself and uses force (and sometimes even worse) to get the child to do what she wants.
One of the most important things we can do in life is to take our eyes off of ourself. Life is not about us and is not supposed to be about us. There is no freedom or joy in living for ourselves! And when we do this, all things become easier, even child training.
When I wake up in the morning, one of the things I like to tell myself is “It’s not about me. I’m here to serve my family.” When I shift my focus at the beginning of the day and throughout the day, the things that I need to do become easier and I experience more clarity.
If you feel that you struggle being self-centered, don’t get upset at yourself. Instead, continuously meditate on the fact that true freedom is found in selfless living. That’s the way God made it to be. Also, pray that God would help you in this area. Then you will gain more clarity and see how to train your children properly.
Training comes with understanding. Controlling demonstrates lack of understanding.
In all my observations, I have discovered that the main reason parents are controlling is because that is what they experienced growing up. They simply know no other way. Some feel justified in what they do, and others desperately want to stop but don’t know how. And that is the crucial difference between the two: training is done because of understanding and controlling is many times just the default.
If a parent desires to transition from controlling their child to training them properly, then that parent would have to seek out the knowledge of how to do it, understand it, and implement it.
Training produces self-control. Controlling is parent- controlled.
This, in my opinion, is the biggest and most noticeable difference between training and controlling. Training equips the child with skills that he or she needs in a way that the child can apply it without the presence of the parent. Well-trained children are just that: they are well-trained.
I have seen this in action in my own kids. I have trained them to not eat candy by not having candy in the house and by educating them on what candy does to their bodies. Because of this, I have been informed of multiple times where my kids have declined candy on their own without me being there.
On the contrary, controlling does nothing to enable the child to exercise decision-making ability herself. A controlled child can appear to be well behaved on the outside, but has no ability to exercise self-control or resist evil. This is a direct result of being parent-controlled.
The outcome of proper training is that our kids become wise decision makers. They need to be guided to choosing good over evil and they need to be strengthened in this. If you are concerned that you are controlling your children, then I applaud you for taking the step to read this article. This shows that you want to do this thing well! Keep learning and implementing, and I guarantee you’ll be on the right path in no time. 🙂
