When our babies are just newborns, we may not think about discipline too much. They are too cute and precious for us to think about them doing things that need correction. But as they continue to grow and start learning new habits and skills, and then when they figure out that they have a will and the freedom to use it, I think that’s where we can start going, “I’m not exactly sure what to do here…”.
Do you ever feel that way? I know I have. Many, many times. In fact, I look back now with embarrassment at how arrogantly I thought before I had kids. I’d see a screaming child in a buggy at WalMart and conclude that his parents were spoiling him. I’d see a kid throwing a fit in a restaurant and think, somebody needs to spank that kid.
And now, I know what it feels like to be the parent in that scenario. Sometimes, you don’t have the answers. You don’t know what to do. And it definitely doesn’t help to have people who’ve never had kids sit on the sidelines and shake their heads at your lack of skills.
As a mama, you know that your children need discipline of some kind. But what kind? What are you supposed to do when your kid throws a tantrum and tries throwing things at you? What about when your children fight with each other? Or when your toddler starts testing your endurance by seeing how many times you can save her from falling off the couch?
If I’ve learned anything in my seven years as a stay at home mom, it’s that kids are not systems. You can’t put a certain discipline code in them and have everything come out right every time. Kids are people and they have complex souls.
I honestly didn’t understand this at all when I had kids. I assumed that I would be the kind of parent whose kids were afraid to disobey because they respected me so much as a parent and knew what was wrong. But as my daughters got older, I realized that I had no clue what I was doing. I’d jump from method to method, using charts, rule sheets, reward jars, incentives, etc. without a lot of clear direction.
And deep inside, I really felt like somehow I was missing it. Like missing the purpose of discipline. I’m a person who likes to know the why behind the what, so finally I drew the question out of my heart:
Why do we even discipline our children in the first place?
I assumed that I already pretty much knew why anyone would discipline a child. But I realized that past experiences ingrained in my way of thinking were producing an improper response to my kids. And in order to even begin to discipline them correctly, I needed to renew my way of thinking. I could tell that if I didn’t define the root of the matter for myself, I would potentially damage my kids mentally and emotionally.
So here are three basic, basic reasons I’ve found that help clarify just why we discipline our children. And if you find yourself in a place where you need this defined for you as well, then I pray that this blesses you 🙂
Discipline happens because you’re intent on blessing your kids
The reason we even approach our children to correct them is because we are intent on blessing them. To discipline is to bring them back to the right path, the path of blessing. There is peace and joy for their souls when they are directed into the ways of God. They, however, don’t know this. So we help direct them with discipline.
If we find ourselves correcting out of anger, this may be a sign to us that we need to step back and renew our minds with right thinking. It’s not right for our children to walk in self-centeredness and not be chastised; however, it is equally wrong for us to discipline them for self-centered reasons. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been heartbroken by hearing either on the news or in person that a mother threw her child on the floor, or used some severe method of discipline that ended up taking the child’s life. But the deeper cry of my heart when I hear this is for the lost mothers who have no clue what they’re doing or how to get control of their anger.
So it’s not for our personal convenience, not so that they won’t embarrass us in front of others, and not because they offended us. It’s because we want to bless them. We want to lead them down the path of righteousness. We desire that their lives be filled with light and that they be blessed!
Tip: Take the time to settle in your heart and mind that you are for your child and that you discipline her because you want to bless her. Meditating on truth shifts your thinking in amazing ways! And above all, thank God for the grace He has already given us to help us.
Discipline is for the child’s benefit
In other words…discipline is not to vindicate your personal anger on your child. That would be considered vengeance, and it will never produce fruit. Discipline happens not because your child personally offended you, but because he or she is doing what’s wrong, and that, if not corrected, will ultimately hurt them.
We want our children to eventually understand this concept. But again, if parental anger gets in the way, they will always see discipline as a means of “repaying” them for their wrongs. So here are a few tips to help you if you struggle with this:
- If your child does something that makes you blindingly angry, before you administer a consequence, take a minute or two to get control over your anger. The Bible says in James 1:19 that the anger of man doesn’t achieve the righteousness of God. And I’m not saying this because I’m perfect at this, but I’m saying this because I know it’s right.
- When you go back to speak to your child, control your tone and volume. I’ve found that this works 100% of the time to calm me down. When I purposely speak calmly, it begins to calm me down inside.
- Renew your mind with truth about the nature of your children. One of the best parenting books I’ve read in this regard is Grace Based Parenting. It completely shifted the way I thought about my kids and helped me to deal with them in patience.
Paul says in Romans 12:10 that God disciplines us that we might share in His holiness (nature). God is love, and He exists in complete freedom…freedom from all the agitation that sin brings to the soul. So in other words, He corrects us to bring us to the place of freedom He is in. He wants us to share the same benefits He enjoys, revealing that His discipline in our lives is completely for our benefit. What an awesome example!
Discipline is a positive encounter with truth
Disciplining your children can absolutely be a positive experience for them. I’ve seen and experienced it. And I have come to find that my kids actually respond quite well when they positively encounter truth.
When I approach them kindly and out of concern for them that they are choosing a harmful path, they respond well. It doesn’t necessarily mean they always stop completely, but they definitely don’t close their ears in rebellion. Even if I have to punish them in some form, they actually receive it way better when they can see that I’m genuinely concerned for them.
We want them to love the path of righteousness, even if they have to be corrected into choosing it. Therefore, let’s make their encounter with truth a positive one!
Tip: When you have to correct your child, after you’ve calmed down (if you needed to), let your child know that they’ve done wrong and that you’re concerned that they’re going to hurt themselves or others.
As a mama I believe in investing in resources that will help us do what’s right in raising our kids (and quickly!). Why should we stay in the dark when other people have discovered paths of light? Beyond Parenting is a teaching that has blessed my life beyond measure. Dr. Nestor Lima came to our church and did a series for a month from his book and we were all blown away at the simplicity of his approach. It’s rooted in biblical truth and we were all able to see the fruit of it because his beautiful daughters were there. I was starry eyed as his daughters (who were teenagers) spoke, thinking “That’s how I want my daughters to end up!”
I pray that this brings light to any mama who has needed to sort this stuff out in her mind. May discipline become a blessing in our homes as we press into understanding the heart behind it. And as our kids see our genuine concern for their good, they will be reassured of our love, and ultimately of the Father’s love, for them.